October 17, 2015

Vorsprung Dikk Hedz

New Study Confirms Audi Drivers Drive Like Idiots

Warning Audi

Following the recent Volkswagen emissions scandal, attention has now turned to one of VW's subsidiaries, Audi. 

Scientists have discovered a genetic flaw in many Audi drivers that causes them to drive like complete twats. The official name for this Audius Dickus Headius as is a more serious strain than the bmwitus gene.

Professor Hammond May-Clarkson has carried out an extensive study into Audi drivers and has proven that they tend to drive like total arseholes when behind the wheel of their A4 or, in the case of hairdressers, their TT.

Caution Audi drivers operate in this area sign

As part of his study, the professor asked Audi drivers to look at some road signs and to mark down how they interpreted them. The results were truly startling:

Audi Speed Bump Sign

In this example, over 90% of Audi drivers incorrectly identified this as a 'Speed Jump' and assumed it was an invitation to drive as quickly as possible, particularly if situated near a school sign.

When looking at disabled parking signs, nearly all Audi drivers believed these spaces were reserved for them because they were 'special people'.


The biggest surprise though came when drivers were asked to say what they saw on the sign below:


One of the Audi drivers who took part in the study was estate agent, Steve Pretentious-Twat.

When asked to explain what made him 'special', Mr. Pretentious-Twat said "Fuck off, don't you know who I am? I've got a sizeable car allowance and I'm late for an appointment. If I wasn't so busy, I could have been a contender on The Apprentice."

Audi post-accident

"Yes sir, I understand that you're special but if I could just ask you to slow down a bit and use your indicators occasionally, that would be appreciated".

"Yes, yes; now, if you don't mind officer, I'm very special and need to get to an important meeting".

No parking spaces? No problem for Audi drivers as they have 'special places' reserved just for them in the 'raised bit' alongside the road. 


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